One of the side effects of all this writing is some really intense introspection and self-absorption. This might be a good thing, it might not be. Constantly picking apart everything I say and everything I do has not helped me behave any better, it has just started to make me a bit crazy.
Every few years I feel things change. I don’t mean style or hair or music tastes, I am talking about feeling like a completely different person stuck in the same old skin. Like sitting here at 30 I have no idea who I was at 16 or why I did the things I did. This must happen to most people, it’s called growing up I guess but I figure most people can hold onto their past, then there are some people who hold on to their past far too tightly so I am thankful I am not one of those people at least.
Life is a journey and we all overcome things in one way or another. My way of staying focused on the future is to simply forget. Not to say I have gone through more or less than anyone else but I have more than enough reason to focus on the joy I have now instead of the muck I dragged myself though to get here.
It is never one big earth shattering moment when an era ends, it’s always a slow build up, patient determination and a road that has signs that can be ignored or used as a guide, then one day you realize you have no idea who you are or how you got there. I feel like I catch on slower than others since I take my time and take a lot of pride in being who I am so I feel less and less need to change myself. There is always some excuse or rationalization to assure me I am doing just fine, despite what others might say.
A few years back everything fell apart, I was at the lowest low I have ever been in my life. Nothing was working out for me and I was scared for myself. Things had to change, with the help and love of my fiancée, everything did change. My whole outlook changed and slowly, all the other things I wanted to change about myself fell into place. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some love conquers all speech, I give credit where credit is due but I know how much work I have also put in and I know how much farther I have to go.
Sometimes I think that people might not like this new me. I stepped off the beaten path and it feels like everyone is sitting back waiting for me to fail sometimes. When people have known you for years, they learn your patterns and have a hard time accepting when you find ways of bettering yourself. Love might really conquer all because if people fall along the way and don’t feel like coming along for the ride, at least I have the two people I enjoy spending time with the most through anything, my kitten too. That is all I need.
Turning 30 hit me kind of hard and it was when I realized I had to do something and I had to do it fast. Everything became fairly clear and over this year I feel like I have gained the greatest gift of all, confidence in myself. Even if I am never truly successful at anything, at least I tried and at least I went for it. Who knows if I will prove everyone wrong or leave a legacy that will last or just sit here filling page after page with meaningless words, I have found something that makes me happy and it is what I am going to keep doing. Him and I may not have a flashy, fabulous life but we have a good time together and that is the important thing.
Now and then I just sit back in awe of how much of a changed person I am, I think of all the things I never thought I would have. The last time I did this, there were two E pills siting on my nightstand. They were given to me and I sat there for hours looking at them and thinking about how far I had come in the then three years since I had last done it. At the time it was not much but I realized it was leaps and bounds from where I had been. It was a big turn around and the start of my growing up phases. There was still a lot to learn but it was a good start in what I thought was the right direction.
What has changed the most about this phase of growing up might be the most important lesson that no one ever grows up, no one should ever be complete. Realizing this has given set my mind free in ways I could never have imagined. Looking at life as a series of movies might not be a healthy way to deal with things but it makes things easier to compartmentalize and detach from pain or unwanted memories. Recently I have also found this peace and positive outlook. I see good things in my future finally.
There are always stages and phases, there are things that get put away forever and there are always new roads to discover. Introspection can’t be a bad thing. More people should do it, look at themselves instead of focusing on other peoples flaws and shortcomings. It’s easier that way.
Years have passed now and I am looking forward to my next birthday in a few months. I hope to have another book put together by then. My New Year’s resolution has not gone very well so I am going to set a new goal for my birthday, one that will be easier to handle and work on. My movie reels work in six month segments, I can break things down and make the goals manageable. In the last few years I have learned a lot about myself, in the last few years I have seen the light you could say. There is this mystique in turning 30 but it has been the best times of my life so far, I don’t get what all the hype was about.
Even if it’s not for everyone, if it works, you have to go with it. Even if it was never what was expected, it might be everything that was ever needed. A part of me thinks that somehow I don’t deserve this that somehow I am supposed to suffer and flail about lost in the jungle for my short amount of time here. Realizing how everything has settled and how life has found its flow is comforting, everyone craves security. It helps to trust the person you chose to take the ride with. There are so many things that change when you grow up or evolve or whatever.
Holding on when you know you have something good is only natural. Watching the sun rise with your purring kitten, listening to the birds sing can be one of the defining moments of your life if you learn to enjoy the simpler things. When she starts washing your face, and the world starts waking up to start their day, you know you can rest easy, with a smile, ready to dream the dreams of the truly lucky, content with everything in ways that some people couldn’t even imagine. Everything is as it should be, everything is right in my world and that is a really, really weird feeling, one that I am finally starting to accept and understand.
3/27/2012 7:51 AM
Posted on March 27, 2012, in Inspirations, Madness, psychology, Rants on Life, Thoughts and tagged addiction, Artists, beauty, behavior, believe, blessings, blogging, Books, confidence, Dreams, feelings, friendships, goals, growing up, honesty, images, Introductions, introspection, life, Love, My Life, nature, personal, positive thinking, relaxation, self-help, stupidity, success, thinking, thoughts, understanding, visions, working hard. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.