Screw Your Re-Makes.

Here we go; another rant about how Hollywood is ruining movies, about how they have no original ideas anymore and how some of these fools really need a good punch in the head. So if you have no enjoyed these posts from me before, you have been warned.

This week I feel the need to express my absolute seething and complete hatred of Tim Burton. For years and years he has offended me to my freaky little core. Every single movie he makes is wonderful and weird; he creates these beautifully dark and creepy worlds. Then ruins it, always ruins it by dumping normalcy all over like egg shell white paint. Then he started ruining childhood favorites, demolishing them one by one. Usually he will cast actors and actresses I usually like when they step away from him and his crap factory of movies. Finding out that next up on his butchers block is Dark Shadows made me think he should be dragged out in the streets and beaten upside his head. I wish that I could blow it off as; hey everyone has to make a buck like everyone else does but seriously, have some self-respect, leave things alone that were done brilliantly the first time and try to think for yourself once in a while. We don’t need Pirates of the Caribbean part twenty; we need Johnny Depp to be free to make more movies like The Libertine.

Let’s say, Michael Bay needs a smack in the head too. I don’t care how many little girls now think that vampires sparkle in the sun; I don’t care how popular Michael Bay movies are… The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were NOT from space so how DARE he try to say so. I can get behind a remake of that but stick to the story. On that note, Markey Mark will be staring in the re-make of one of my all-time favorite movies, The Crow. If he dying in the same way as its first star Brandon Lee wouldn’t make him go down in history, I would hope for it to happen. Markey Mark doesn’t deserve that kind of recognition and fame.

This leads me to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. So much potential, so much hope, so many talented people involved to dumb down a brilliant story. Such a steaming pile of crap. I even went to a midnight release to get it on blue ray, sucker. First, if you are going to do a movie and have it take place in another country, speak the language. If people are too lazy to read the books or the subtitled version of something, well they lose don’t they? David Fincher is one of the best filmmakers in this country usually and when I heard Trent Reznor did the soundtrack I had a lot of hope, I really wanted to like it as much as I liked the other incarnations of the story but I should have gotten the soundtrack instead. The chick that played Lisbeth did really well, I didn’t think she had it in her, this is not an easy role and now there are armies of girls who identify with the character all over the world.  Get the books, get the Swedish version of the movies, and don’t bother with this new one. I should have trusted my gut, I knew better. In a movie full of rape, violence, Nazis and mystery, I know I am focusing on the wrong things but killing the kitten was completely uncalled for and just a waste of film, it ruined the whole thing. Right from the start, all I liked more about this version was that they gave him a kitten in the first place and the opening credits. A beautifully done pile of crap. Maybe they will pull it together with the next two installments when the story really gets going and hopefully Trent does the soundtracks for all of them because that was the best part.

After that I watched The Moth Diaries. I had heard about the book and figured you can’t go wrong with a storyline like passionate vampires at a prestigious all-girls school. It’s what I thought at least. Silly I thinking any new vampire anything would be worth watching. With a plot like that, it could have been great, if perhaps I had written it. Pretty rare for me to be disappointed with a foreign movie but since it was filmed in Canada, using all the little British girls; I guess it doesn’t really count. I would give the book a chance but I have already read the stories it was ripped off from.

The X-Files never fails to disappoint though so here I sit finishing the last few seasons that I never watched when they were on long ago. Sooner or later I will find some movies that don’t irritate me to write about but for now I am going to stick with what I know, stick with what I like until someone ruins it and makes a crappy remake of it.

3/21/2012 4:34 AM