Over the last few days I have been in a strange place in my head. I have been wondering why I bother, what the point is, why I am here and where I am going without finding any real answers.
As much as I try to pretend that people and their shitty opinions don’t matter to me, I have to admit that I let it get to me way more than I should. I dwell in it, wallow in it, wash myself in it and keep myself pissed off by it. As much as I hate it, it’s just the way I am, the way I always have been. I try so hard to be a tough bad ass on the outside but I fail every time. Most times I ask myself, who are they to talk? What makes anyone better or worse than anyone else? We all have different standards for ourselves and maybe some of us never had that or would even know what to do with it if something better came up and stomped on our feet. Most of us will just let our moment pass right by with some half assed excuse as to why we couldn’t or wouldn’t do what we had to do.
So maybe it’s for the best, I should just accept that even at 30 years old I am a petulant, scared, whining little girl worth nothing more and nothing less. I should embrace my poutiness and maybe go on a reality TV show or something where pathetic creatures like me are glorified for being weak and worthless. For many years now I have felt like I have gotten lost through the looking glass, the person in the reflection looks less and less like me every time I look. If there was a way to hide from who I am and the person I have become, I would sign up. If scientists created a way to become invisible, I would be first in line no matter what the side effects may be. If I was offered the opportunity to go spend the rest of my life in the silence of space, I would jump all over it.
All I have ever wanted in life was to step out from the normal standard of how things are done and now I have no idea what I want because the things I thought were supposed to be cherished have been abandoned and forgotten about. Sometimes I let my attitude get the better of me and I think I could be good at something and succeed. It’s a good thing I have the people I have in my life to keep me in check and let me know how much of an ass I am and keep me in check. Someone with hopes and dreams can be a dangerous thing in this day and age, can’t let it get out of control.
You never know what will happen in the future and you never know what it takes to make it until you try. It’s easy to say that but it is much easier to hide behind it and pretend you are doing something worthwhile in life, to make a bigger deal out of every little thing that happens than anything really deserves. Some people wear clichés like that as armor as we hide in our sad little lives, never moving forward, thinking that just parroting the right slogans is enough. Maybe keeping commercialism and the gears of society is more important than using your brain if it’s a brain not worth using. If you’re meant to clean rich people’s toilets then scrub them until you can see yourself in it. If you’re not even smart enough to keep a job a monkey could do for peanuts then maybe you are not ready to try and take on any of the world’s major issues. Finding a closet to hide in might be the best bet if you can’t even deal with people or yourself enough to keep a job cleaning horse stalls.
Perhaps I was better off serving coffee to all those people with real jobs, cleaning up after them and taking their shit. All I know is that I never wished for the world to end more than on those nights I was mopping cum in video booths. I knew my life was worth less than nothing and I wanted nothing more than to take the whole stinking world down with me. Now I see how wrong I was though, at least then, I had all those things a normal person is supposed to have. My self-worth and my pride were always attached to a weekly paycheck so I always knew my place in the world. I thought I was someone because I could tell guys to stop blowing each other and throw them out of a hole in the wall store in the middle of nowhere.
Now I just don’t know, now I flounder around, sleep all day and smoke pot while I watch movies and fill the computer screen with mindless empty words. Like any of this matters. Social networking has killed my desire for a real social life even though there are days where I long for it with every fiber of my being. Lately I have been considering abandoning all of that online junk and seeing how many people are still out there in the real world, how many people will bother to keep in contact. I feel so lost all the time and I have no idea how to fix it, it’s like I was destined to always feel like this even when things are going perfectly. It never takes much to knock me off any sized horse, I doubt I have ever even been on a high horse, I wouldn’t even know what one looked like really.
The fact of the matter is, no matter how much I suck, no matter how often people correct me and no matter how badly I take it when they do, I am going to write. It is my reason, it is all I have. I can’t stop. We can only hope I will improve over time but the only way to do that is to keep writing, keep fighting and keep trying to shut down everything going on around me. I should be proud but I am not, I am painfully aware of my faults, shortcomings and downright issues. Anyone could do this and I am well aware of that fact. When other people point them the things that make me wrong and hard to deal with, having it pointed out it makes me work on them harder than anything else despite the person who brought it into the light, just to prove them wrong. The worst thing you can do to a Taurus is doubt them or challenge the person they like to think of themselves as being. It’s the best way to put a thorn in their brain that will take years to remove. There will always be a place where your words will echo for all time when they look at you or think about you. Maybe that’s just me though; I hate to speak for any group of anything since I never really fit completely into any of them.
Some people always had really clear paths in life; they knew who they were and where they were going, right from the start. I was never one of those people and for many years I was proud of that fact. Now I realize how wrong I was about that too. I should have figured it out a long time ago but I still wonder if anyone, no matter how safe and successful they are feels like they really know what they are doing? Is there really some invisible mountain out there that proves you did something with your life and made something of yourself? Do you get a medal or a cookie when you get there? How far can you allow yourself to fall down that mountain before you just decide to be happy with what you have?
Whatever, it’s a game, a journey and everyone’s is different. If my way of telling my piece of the story doesn’t work for you, don’t read it. If I am too wild and crazy for you, go do what you think is exciting and forget I am even here, I don’t need another number on my Facebook just because we might have been friends at some point in our lives, that popularity contest has never meant much to me. If you don’t act like a friend, I have no reason to call you one. I have always done just fine on my own and it is not something I am afraid of doing. I answer to my kitten any my own consciousness, that’s about it. I never like to cut ties but if the bridge needs to be burned, dump as much explosives as you can on it and light the match because everyone will be better off in the end.
Although it wouldn’t seem like it, I really hate confrontations of any kind unless I am in the mood to really piss people off. Those rare moods are like this one, complete self-destruction, weeding the garden, destroying what destroys me. No matter how well my wounds seem to heal, sometimes you have to just pick the scab off, stick your finger in and wiggle it around a little no matter how much it hurts. While everyone else has been striving to be perfect, I have constantly tried to stay as imperfect as possible. It is the only way to know if something is real or not, it is how I have always defined myself worth, I wanted to be as far from the beaten path as possible. If it doesn’t bleed when you pick it apart, if it doesn’t make you feel something then it’s not real. Losing all hope is freedom, letting it all go, saying fuck it while still having to walk around and pretend everything is okay is almost painful sometimes but everyone seems to do it even if they would never admit it to themselves. Everyone is secretly striving for that pat on the head, acceptance at all costs. Get to the top of the mountain and claim your cookie.
Everywhere you go people want to talk about work, they are so involved in money and letting it rule them, otherwise the conversation choices are weather and sports. Once you eliminate any interest in sports with a clever statement like, “Oh, the Bruins, that’s basketball right?” and taking weather conversations off the table too by preferring rainy nights over sunny days you lose many people and they start seeing you as difficult and bitchy. When you lose the job that everyone wants to hear about like working at the porn store, you are left with nothing, your house is gone, and your license and car is gone. You end up sitting in silence with the people closest to you because even they are sick of your thoughts and attitude and you start to forget how to start conversations, becoming further and further locked up inside your head.
So then you take a chance, if you have no one to talk to, why not write it all out and talk to yourself. You sit up all night going crazy, alone, bored, high and you start to put it on paper because maybe after your gone people will finally get you. You know that you might never make any sense to anyone ever but you have to get it out the best way you know how. Because feeling like this can only last for so long, you can only face your failures for so long before you give up and realize that nothing is going to get any better if you keep worrying about what other people think and letting their opinions hold sway. It is heavy stuff but I think everyone has days like this and I think some people deal with them better than others.
Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I finally run out of words. No matter how many drugs I do prescription or otherwise, I just can’t seem to shut my brain off. If I am going to be cursed with this soul that will never find peace, I should at least be able to shrug off the petty insecurities and the bull shit I put myself thought. Now and then people tell me things like how I am better than the way I see myself and I shouldn’t be so sensitive all the time, I somehow should stop being hard on myself like there is a switch that can be thrown, making everything all sunshine and smiles. Life doesn’t work like that though, nothing is real and everything can change from moment to moment without any kind of warning for better or worse. For all the situations I have gotten myself though in life, you would think I would be better equipped to deal, I wish I had learned how to keep myself in check back when I was supposed to instead of piecing together a life as I went along and ignoring everything that didn’t suit my needs at the time. There was a time where I considered myself an ever evolving creature but now I am not so sure and I don’t know if I want to bother finding out. It’s just one of those days that everyone goes though I guess; maybe someday I will figure it all out and say enough is enough. I am so glad that winter is about over, I need to get out of the house, I don’t know how far I will have to go but somewhere I have to find myself again and break this cycle that is destroying me in ways I am only beginning to understand. If I can’t find that then there really is not much point in pretending it is going to magically get better somehow. If I can’t do it for myself then there is nothing that anyone else can do for me. The world is my playground they say, so why don’t I have any interest in it anymore? It’s like Mother Nature can sense my stormy mood today, a thunder storm has rolled in to calm my thoughts and blow some fresh winds through the dark places of my restless soul.
3/13/2012 11:30 PM