Yeah, I Did That
I Did That.
This life has always been interesting, it’s been a pretty wild ride. Maybe I haven’t always made the smartest choices or the right moves but I always have done what seemed right at the moment, for me. Most of the time though, most decisions were made simply for the story, just to be able to say, “Yeah, I did that.”
For better or worse, it’s just the way I chose to play the game. Some might call it erratic behavior, others see it as crazy, rebellious, heartless or bitchy. All of which I will gladly claim as true to a point but I see it in a different light. Erratic can be seen as spontaneous, crazy it subjective too because if I look at the source and ask myself “who the hell they are to talk?” I would always prefer crazy over boring any day, hands down. Rebellion requires a standard of rules, a code if you will. If you don’t acknowledge the status quo there is nothing to rebel against. Although, just thinking like that could be considered an act of rebellion in itself. If you don’t see a box, then you don’t have to worry about thinking outside of one. Seems simple I know, but since no one else does it is looked upon as unique and strange. Heartless is one of the only ones I would disagree with, there needs to be some amount of subjective realism and honesty about life and the nature of how it is. Maybe dark and jaded would be a more appropriate label in my case at least. Which leads me to bitchy, I will own that most of all because it is the one that I hear the most and it is a label that I love because it shows the cracks and flaws in others better than anything else. If I say or do something that other people deem bitchy, if I had offended, it means I challenged them or I made them think hopefully. Some people cannot take honesty, I know I can’t. As opposed to most people who take it as cruelty and dismiss it casually, I tend more towards taking things too personally and trying much harder than I should to try to fix whatever bitchy point about me that has been brought up. The words echo in my mind for far longer than I should allow, it is one of my biggest downfalls. I don’t hold it against the person, if anything, I thank them for bringing it to my attention after I get done sulking.
The important thing to me is experience, adventure. One of the only things I will regret when I go is that there could never be enough time to try everything, to do all there is to offer in this world. If that is wrong then so be it, I will never be satisfied, ever, nothing will ever be good enough.
If everyone else jumped off the bridge, yeah, I might jump too. After I look for a better, safer way down or I saw everyone else float back to the surface safely. Most times though, I will be the first one over, the first to take the plunge. Somewhere deep down, my consciousness hates me for that too. I have had nightmares for years about this bridge where I grew up. All around that section of the river there are factories and strange tunnels and tubes, systems of damns and incredibly fast rushing water. As much as I swam there when I was young, there were also one hundred and one stories of people who drown there. The last time I skateboarded in my life, I went up to the top of a train trestle bridge and jumped from the very top, with my board, into the water. I broke both my legs in the process and had to be carried out of the river and all the way home but, I did that. It was the very last time I ever got on a real skateboard ever again. It was all very symbolic.
First times and last times are always very meaningful. There is a beauty to knowing something is finally behind you, there is also an energy that carbonates the blood when facing a new beginning. I remember the very last time I did a drug, not like, dates and times but I remember the situations and the friends who were there. The last time I ate mushrooms, I got out of work, sat alone in my room and nibbled the bag until it was gone, then I put some CD’s on repeat and closed my eyes. For the new six or seven hours I laid back and watched the strange shapes and lights that happened behind my head. I might have slept, I might have dreamed but I doubt it. When I came to and figured out that I came down, I cleaned myself up and went to visit my mom at my grandmothers. It was the first time that I met her new husband. Yeah, I did that, why not. At that point I knew I had nothing to lose and I was right, I didn’t matter. It was the first time I ever deliberately started and finished a trip by myself.
Publishing a book was always a lifelong dream, now I can say, “I did that” but when you finally sort your dreams out, there is no other guidance about what you are supposed to do next. Along with the bonus of getting to say, “publishing a book, yeah I did that” I also get to have the pride and ability to say that “ I stepped away from the beaten path, tried to chase a fantasy and took one of the biggest chances anyone can take, yeah, I did that.”
Who knows why anyone does anything, who knows what forces work behind the scenes to drive every molecule of life forward. We all have our motives, there is usually a method to the madness, with most people at least. Nothing more than the next breath matters, the next step, the newest adventure and the next opportunity. What is meant to come to you will never pass by. If your still breathing you must be doing something right, it’s as simple as that. Around every turn and just over every horizon is a chance to do something worthy of the story that starts with “yeah, I did that.” Even if it is not about being better than the next person, it just about being interesting, having something to say and being alive. Feeling things, knowing things and being there to see things.
For some reason, none of the things I have desired to say “yeah, I did that” about have never been part of the norm. Most people want to say, I made a bunch of money, I owned this or I owned that, I went here and I lived there, I became president or I climbed a mountain. All these years though, all I have ever wanted to say I did that about is being happy and yeah, I did that too. Live for the adventure so that when it is all said and done you can say, yeah, I did that and be happy with the way the story ends.
3/1/2012 3:49 AM
Posted on March 1, 2012, in Inspirations, Madness, people, psychology, Rants on Life, Thoughts and tagged addiction, beauty, blessings, Books, Dreams, feelings, goals, Introductions, Love, My Life, positive thinking, self-help, success, thoughts, visions, working hard. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a Comment.